No, I don't diagnose HUMAN parasites - thank you for asking

Typical appointment written on "to be seen" board - K9 with possible worms. Easy. Boring. Right? Bwahahaha! You'd think so... but no.

I am presented with a worm segment that appears to be a tapeworm. In the room are 3 patients - a cat and 2 dogs. They're sure this segment came from a dog. But do the others have worms? Maybe - thing is, tapeworms don't come up on fecal floats all the time. Often times, we diagnose them based on finding the segments on the pet. Thing is that this one wasn't found ON the pet - it was found on the floor. Solution? Treat all 3 pets. Easy, right? Again, bwahahaha! Owner agrees to treat all 3 pets. But then Mr. Owner says "we have three more at home. Two more cats and a dog. Can we get meds for them too?" Sadly, no... we haven't seen them in the last year, so we need to examine your other three pets as well. Ok, they say... we'll set up the appointment.

Casually, on the way out the owner says "Oh, by the way, can we get tapeworms?" I get this question a lot - nothing unusual. So I say "Only if you eat fleas. That is the only way tapeworms are spread - you can't get them directly from your pet."

Fastforward a few days... I see an appt that is a request for me. Ah, how nice. I always like requests (ok, I lie - MOST of the time I like requests - this turned out to be one of the exceptions!). Its the couple with their other 3 pets. Fabulous. Quick appt, and be done with their worm issue. Take care of the fleas on all 6, and we're golden. So this time, I enter the room, greeted by Mr. & Mrs. Owner & their other 3 pets. Mrs. Owner has a ziplock baggie. In vet med, ziplock baggie always = INTERESTING (and thats not always a good thing!). In this bag? About 30 small, dried tapeworm segments - and 4-5 LONG tapeworm segments. She says, "Doc are these tapeworms?" I confirm that they are, indeed tapes... She says "Do you know where the bag is? I need those back. I need them to show my doctor." Okaaaay.... usually people don't ask for their parasites back, and if she needs it to show her doctor... well, yes, that implies that SHE has tapeworms. I'm not going to ask. We get meds for her other 3 pets, and take the stool samples to check for other parasites, and send her on her way. End of story? You guessed it - nope! More fun is in store!

Mr. & Mrs. Owner come back in a few days for another request for me. They bring several more worm segments, a few pets, and ask "Are you sure that the only thing found in the stool samples was tapeworms?" Yes. All 6 samples negative except for tapes. "And you're sure that I can't get them from sharing a bed with them, or anything else besides eating fleas?" Correct. "And would tapeworms cause all of those lesions I see on your parasite poster?" No - those are human photos of migrating parasites, like hookworms... not tapeworms. "Well, doc, look at these marks! Don't they look like your posters?" Oh my. The woman has just lifted her shirt, exposed her entire abdomen, and is showing me multiple skin lesions on her breasts, belly, and STOP! There is no need to show me things below your belt line!! I say she should consult her MD because I'm not licensed to practice human medicine. The lines do look similar to our poster, but her pets are worm free except tapes, and even if they had some other parasites we simply didn't find, the dewormer they've been given would have gotten rid of those as well. Mrs. Owner says "but my doctor says its an infection and its not going away." Well, then you should ask for a referral to a dermatologist. "But if this was a dog, what would it be?" I'm sorry, I can't tell you that. I don't know - and if I did know, and told you how to take care of it, I could get in trouble that puts my license in jeopardy. "Well, do tapeworms cause little white things to come out in the mouth?" Noooo.... not that I know of. Why? Are you noticing white things in your pets' mouthes? "No." Mrs Owner says while reaching into her own mouth.... "Every time I go to eat, I start to salivate, and I get these white things appearing in my mouth." Really, you should go to see YOUR medical doctor! I can't help you with this... "But my doctor isn't doing anything about these things. If it was a dog, what would these be?!?" Sigh. For the last time, I can't say what those are - I do not know. What I do know is that you need to see an infectious disease specialist if your MD can't help you.

I guess that was enough information for her. Because its been a good 6 months.... and I have seen no more of Mr. or Mrs. Owner... thankfully - because I saw WAY too much of Mrs. Owner than I'd ever care to see again.